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Originally appeared in APeX Attack #4 (June 1999)
From the Editors
We ask you to do one single thing. Just take a little time
out of your day to show that you appreciate the fact that you
receive this fine publication at no charge to you. We slave for
hours putting this together and how are we repaid you ask? With
flowers? With candy? With a parade? No, instead what we get from
our dear readers is a 0.03% response to our postcard request.
We tried to make it as simple as possible. We didn’t ask
you to do any long division. We didn’t ask for a dissertation
on why you would like to keep receiving “APeX Attacks”.
We didn’t even ask you to spell your own name correctly
(in our experience with Gene, we know this can be a lot to ask).
All we asked was for you to send us one little postcard with
your AIN (APeX Identification Number (the little number found
on your label, the one that is not your address)). That should
take two minutes tops and costs at the most $0.70 (that includes
the price of the postcard and postage (that is said as if there
were other costs involved)). This could mean only one of three
things. Either we asked too much of you, you just don’t
love us, or you don’t enjoy receiving “APeX Attacks”.
Any of these possibilities is too frightening to think about.
I don’t think the process could be made any simpler. To
say the least (like we have ever said the least) Gene is devastated
by the revelation that no one is reading this. We know we have
talked about his fragile self-esteem before, but it has gotten
to the point where he feels so unloved that his imaginary friends
are no longer talking to him. (I guess that does have an up side
to it to though. We no longer have to make an extra serving of
food at dinner for the blue hippopotamus, Drew G. Body.) We tried
to get Gene electroshock treatment, but it costs too much. As
an alternative we tried walking around, dragging our feet on
the carpet to build up static electricity. We then touched Gene
on the back of his neck giving a charge of static electricity.
Not only did not this not do Gene any good, but now he thinks
someone is trying to turn him into a radio antenna. There is
only one thing we can do to bring Gene back to his normal quirky
self (is that an oxymoron?). We need you to let us know that
you truly are reading “APeX Attacks”. We have decided
to expand the ways in which you can let us know that you do want
to keep receiving this. First, and most preferred would be to
send us a postcard with the number found on your address label.
Send the post card to APeX Attacks, PO Box 50395, Washington,
DC 20091. Please send us a good post card. If we really like
your postcard we will send you free stuff. The second (and much
less preferred) is to send us an e-mail with the same information.
Send the e-mail to gmontera@erols.com. It is hard to believe
that you would only love us enough to send an insensitive, uncaring
e-mail, but for Gene’s sake we will take what we can get.
We know last time we threatened to take you off the mailing list
if you did not respond. Maybe you didn’t respond because
you are a dare devil and wanted to see if we would really remove
you from our list. Or, maybe you thought it was nothing more
than an idle threat. We can assure you that if we do not hear
from you, you will be removed from our mail list (We say it again,
“A fate worse than death”). If this is the first issue
of “APeX Attacks” you are receiving in the mail you
must do the above to keep receiving this for free. We were going
to apologize for taking so long to get this issue of APeX Attacks
to you. We were waiting for more post cards. Anyway all of the
people who gave us a hard time for not getting the next issue
did not send us a post card and, hey, you are getting this for
free.
Letters From You!
We received a few notes in response to the last issue of “APeX
Attacks” which deserve a response.
- Theresa Madaus of Cody, Wyoming writes:
- “The savvy readers will notice that the artist unknown
picture was on page seven, not ten. He or she will also notice
that “our selves” is one word and that when you take
a break it is not usually spelled brake. But I didn’t really
write you just to point out thta you need a senior editor (actually,
senior editors make just as many mistakes, but then you have
some one else to blame them on.) What I was really writing to
you about was... I forgot.”
The savvy reader will also notice that the word “that”
is not spelled “thta”. Even Gene knows that. In response
to the question you forgot, the answer is 4. We do thank you
for reading close enough to notice that Gene could not spell
his way out of a paper bag (fortunately for him, he has never
been asked to do so).
- The illustrious Matt Sissman of Pocatello, Idaho
writes,
- “I don’t get much mail here in Idaho, but today
the sun shone on me (enter alleluia’s from on high)! To
add to this, when I do get mail my roommate usually loses it
in his pile of credit card applications, so I don’t find
it for a few days. Today, however, I found Apex Attacks on the
table. After wading through the trademark sarcasm and puns, good
and bad, I came to Gene’s Journal. It was the best part
of this edition for me. Gene I really enjoy your insights on
life. On this, my only day off for the week I have a better perspective
of my life and place in the world because of a few simple statements
from you.”
Thank you for the kind words, but we are not sure what sarcasm
you are talking about. |